A different kind of grief

When grief isn't simple...

I lost my partner last year. We had been together since I was very young and for most of my life I didn't really know myself outside of that relationship.

Loosing someone who shaped so many of your formative years brings a level of grief that is hard to explain - but what surprised me the most was that my grief didn't look the way that I expected it to.

As the months passed, counselling helped me see parts of my relationship more clearly. Not with anger or resentment, but with understanding. I realised that some of the dynamics I had grown used to were not healthy, and that growing up inside a relationship can make it almost impossible to recognise what is normal and what isn't. When something is all you have ever known, you accept it as the way things are.

Seeing those patterns now - after he's gone - has been emotionally confusing. For a long time, it felt disloyal to acknowledge anything that wasn't perfect. I thought grief was supposed to be simple: you feel sad, you miss them, you wish things were different. But in reality grief can hold sadness, relief, clarity, love, guilt, gratitude and pain all at the same time. It can reveal truths that you were not able to see while living in the middle of it.

And that doesn't mean I didn't care for him, that I didn't/ don't care for him. It doesn't erase the good moments or the life we built together. It just means I'm finally seeing the full picture - and learning more about myself in the process.

In the middle of all of this, someone who had been in my life for many years became an unexpected source of comfort and support. Through that connection, I began to learn what a healthier, more balanced relationship feels like. I am discovering parts of myself that were quiet for a long time and I'm realising how important it is to feel safe, respected and equal.

My intention isn't to speak badly of anyone who can't be here to share their side. My intention is to speak to others who might be struggling with that complicated grief - the kind that doesn't fit the narrative. The kind where you mourn the person, but also the version of yourself you never had a chance to be.

If you are feeling confused, conflicted, or guilty for seeing your relationship clearly only after it ended, I want you to know this: you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, even if they don't look the way you imagined. Grief is not one emotion - it's a whole spectrum, and every colour in it counts.